Often when we hear the words ‘domestic abuse’, we think of physical actions and visible wounds. Bruises, kicks, punches and other acts of visible violence. For many victims of domestic abuse, the pain and suffering inflicted is emotional rather than physical.
Emotional abuse within a relationship is equally as devastating as physical trauma. As with physical abuse, it can also take many forms – from verbal threats and raised voices to gaslighting, belittling comments and coercive control. This is a form of domestic abuse that is often hidden behind closed doors.
So, how do you know if you or someone you care about is suffering in silence? Read on to learn more about the signs of emotional abuse and what to do if you find yourself stuck in a toxic relationship.
How do I know if my relationship is emotionally abusive?
Emotional abuse comes in myriad forms and can be especially difficult to recognise within a relationship. Many abusers explain away their actions as loving behaviour or concern for the other person’s wellbeing, but those concerns are less to do with taking care of their partner and more to do with seizing power and control.
- Has your partner ever prevented you from seeing a friend or family member, for example?
- Do they monitor your emails, calls or text messages or make you feel guilty for spending time with other people?
- Do you often find yourself to blame for arguments?
- Or feel that your interests and achievements are unimportant?
- Are you told what to wear or prevented from working?
If you’ve answered yes to any of those questions, your relationship may be emotionally abusive.
What are examples of emotional abuse in relationships or marriage?
Emotional abuse doesn’t present itself in only one way. It’s made up of multiple different behaviours and forms of abuse. Examples include:
Disdain or disrespect
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect. Emotional abusers expect respect from their victim but may:
- Humiliate you either in private or in front of others
- Make hurtful comments then passing them off as jokes
- Embarrass or mock you in public
- Trivialise your opinions or achievements
- Insult or make fun of your appearance
Gaslighting and manipulation
There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship and it’s inevitable that disagreements and differences of opinion will occur. In an emotionally abusive relationship those disagreements become another opportunity for the abuser to seize control. This means they may:
- Dismiss your feelings or tell you that you’re overreacting
- Refuse to apologise for their behaviour or see anything wrong in how they are treating you
- Cause you to question your own recollection of events
- Make you feel that you’re always the one in the wrong and that they are the victim
- Gaslight you by shifting the blame, discrediting your opinions or trivialising your concerns
Isolation and control
Abusers crave control, control over their victims and control over every situation. This often looks like:
- Preventing you from seeing friends or family
- Monitoring your emails, reading your instant messages, checking your social media profiles or listening to your phone calls
- Forbidding you from getting a job or dictating where you can work and what you do
- Withholding affection and intimacy if you don’t bend to their will
- Isolating you from friends and family
Why do I feel constantly guilty, even when I didn’t do anything wrong?
Do you often find yourself accepting blame for an argument or feeling guilty for something run of the mill, such as going to the gym or arranging to see a friend? If you constantly find yourself apologising or feeling guilty when you haven’t actually done anything wrong, it’s time to consider if your relationship has become unhealthy. Coercion and gaslighting behaviours slowly alter your perception of what’s fair and decent and can lead you to question your own thoughts, feelings and opinions. This is an example of emotional abuse in action.
What is “digital control” in emotionally abusive relationships?
Digital technologies such as social media and messaging apps make life fun. They’re convenient, helpful, entertaining and an easy way to stay in touch, to work remotely and to perform everyday tasks such as banking and grocery delivery. But for victims of emotional abuse, they also have a darker side.
Digital control is the act of using apps and other digital tools to track and monitor the actions of another person. In emotionally abusive relationships this could mean the abuser monitors your social media profiles, reads your WhatsApp or Messenger communications, uses apps like Find My Friends to check your location or constantly calls, texts and messages you when you are with others.
Can emotional abuse be reported if there’s no physical violence?
The Crown Prosecution Service recognises emotional abuse as a form of domestic abuse. You don’t need to have physical marks to report emotional abuse to the police, nor do you have to live with the abuser to be considered a victim.
What happens after I report emotional abuse — will they talk to the abuser?
After you make a report of emotional abuse, the police may wish to speak with you about your experience. If you’re able to talk about what happened, you might be asked to give more information about the abuse you experienced, when it took place, and where you were at the time.
The police will then decide on next steps – this could involve speaking to the abuser, giving them a warning or arresting them.
When is it time to speak to a solicitor about emotional abuse?
If you’re a victim of emotional abuse, speaking out and asking for help can be an enormous challenge. A solicitor experienced in family law can help you to gain legal protection from your abuser, giving you peace of mind and impartial legal advice to help you decide on your next steps. It’s important to do this as soon as you can to bring an end to the abuse and ensure your safety.
Our experienced team of family solicitors has helped many victims of domestic abuse to access the support and legal expertise they need to break free from the cycle of abuse. We’ll listen to you in confidence and provide impartial advice. We can also connect you with other support services and helpful resources. Call or email us to find out more.
