Over two million adults experience domestic abuse in the UK each year. Those victims come from all walks of life, so whether at home, socially or at work, someone you know could well be experiencing a form of abuse.
If you haven’t encountered domestic abuse or domestic violence before, it can be hard to know what to say to your friend, colleague or family member if they disclose that they’re a victim. It’s natural to be concerned that you may say or do the wrong thing when offering your support and cause additional upset or distress. Knowing what to say (and, equally importantly, what not to say) can help you navigate the conversation with compassion and care.
Why do people stay in abusive relationships even when they know it’s toxic?
Abuse is a very complex area, and abusers are often highly skilled in manipulation, gaslighting and coercive control. While it’s easy to think, ‘That would never happen to me’ or ‘I would leave immediately if my partner did that’, the reality isn’t usually that clear cut.
There are many reasons why people remain in unhealthy relationships – from a lack of confidence to financial ties – but when abuse is also a factor, it can become even harder to leave.
Emotionally abusive partners erode self-confidence and can leave their victims feeling dependent on the abuser. The victim may feel like they’re the problem. They may be convinced that they need their abuser and that they can’t survive on their own.
Financial abuse is increasingly common and leaves victims entirely dependent on their abuser for their basic needs. With access to money tightly controlled, leaving and starting over can seem impossible.
Many abusers also isolate their victims, leaving them with nowhere to turn. They could be cut off from friends and family members and feel stuck in the relationship with nowhere else to go.
How do I tell someone I’m worried about their safety without offending them?
While there is growing awareness around domestic abuse, some stigma remains. Abuse victims may not speak out because they fear that no one will believe them, due to feelings of shame or embarrassment, or because they don’t want to get their partner in trouble.
Being ready to listen and offer support is one of the most helpful things you can do for a victim – but what if they don’t speak out? If you’re concerned about a friend or family member, telling them you’re afraid for their safety can be daunting. You might worry about getting it wrong, causing offence or damaging your relationship with them. While there is no real way to know how someone may react, letting someone know they are not alone can make it much easier for them to ask for help:
Speak privately – wait for a moment when your friend or family member is alone and able to chat. If their abuser is close by, they may feel unable or unwilling to open up. If they’re reluctant to talk, don’t force the issue. Let them know you’re concerned for their safety and are there to listen if they want to talk.
Withhold judgment – it’s natural to feel anger or dislike towards the person emotionally, physically, or sexually abusing a loved one, but this can be hard for the victim to process, especially if they’re convinced their partner can change. Avoid being critical of the other person and instead keep your focus on how your friend is feeling.
Offer support, but don’t apply pressure: Reassure your friend or loved one that you’ll provide any support they might need, but don’t pressure them to act.
What things should I avoid saying to someone in an abusive relationship?
Knowing that someone you care about has been subjected to a pattern of hurtful or controlling behaviour can cause your own emotions to be heightened. Being mindful of that increased emotion can ensure you don’t say something that could be hurtful or upsetting to the victim:
Don’t ask them if they are sure when they confide in you: Abusers are often very good at hiding their behaviour and will present a different persona to the world at large. Finding out the person you thought you knew is abusive behind closed doors might leave you in shock. but avoid asking the victim if they’re sure. This can reinforce feelings that they won’t be believed, delaying or preventing them from leaving or seeking help.
Don’t press for specific details: It’s natural to want to know exactly what the person hurting your friend, colleague or loved one did to them. This is your protective instinct kicking in, but making them relive the experience can cause more harm than good. Instead, reassure them that you believe them.
Why did it happen? This question can imply the victim did something to trigger the abusive behaviour. It suggests they also bear some responsibility for what’s happened to them and that they’re at fault due to their own actions or behaviour.
Can I call the police for them if they won’t?
If you’re worried about your friend’s immediate safety, you can call the police. You’ll need to explain why you’re calling and why you’re concerned about their welfare.
What should I do if a child is involved in the situation?
Witnessing domestic abuse can have a profound impact on young children and shape their lives for years to come. Children living in abusive households can exhibit both physical and mental signs of abuse, such as difficulty sleeping, behavioural issues and poor performance in school.
If you’re concerned someone you know is a victim of abuse, and they have a child, you can contact the police where there is an immediate threat of danger. Organisations like Childline and Refuge can offer specialist support and advice in non-urgent situations.
When should I encourage someone to speak to a family solicitor or legal professional?
Legal protection is available for victims of abuse. A family solicitor or other legal professional can guide abuse victims through the process of obtaining legal protection, so it’s important that they reach out as soon as possible. If your friend or family member is in an unhealthy relationship and experiencing abuse, they can speak to National Legal Service’s experienced domestic abuse solicitors in confidence. We can help them obtain Legal Aid if appropriate and can seek an injunction such as a Non-Molestation Order through the courts.
