‘Gaslighting’ is a term that has become more widely used in recent years, especially in the media. But, understanding what it is and being able to spot the signs of this harmful behaviour could be more challenging than you may think.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and psychological manipulation that causes a person to doubt their own thoughts, memories, and sense of reality. The term has become more visible in recent years, particularly in discussions around abusive relationships, but recognising gaslighting in real life can still be difficult.
This is because gaslighting is often subtle. It rarely starts with obvious cruelty. Instead, it builds slowly, eroding confidence and self trust over time.
Understanding what gaslighting looks like is an important step in protecting your emotional wellbeing.
A Simple Example of Gaslighting
Imagine you are arguing with your partner about a slice of cake you clearly remember putting in the fridge.
At first, they deny eating it. That is a lie, but on its own, it is not gaslighting.
Gaslighting begins when they insist the cake never existed at all, and that you must be imagining it. They say this with such certainty that you begin to question your own memory. If this pattern repeats, you may stop trusting your recollection of events entirely.
At that point, the issue is no longer about cake. It is about control over reality.
What is manipulation?
Gaslighting is one form of emotional manipulation, but manipulation can take many shapes.
Manipulation may involve:
- guilt tripping
- intimidation
- emotional withdrawal
- shifting blame
- rewriting events to suit one person’s narrative
Returning to the cake example, the situation may escalate. Your partner may accuse you of being selfish for wanting the last slice, suggest you failed to make enough food, or imply you are unreasonable for even raising the issue. Suddenly, you feel guilty rather than wronged.
The focus shifts away from their behaviour and onto your perceived flaws. This is manipulation at work.
How do I know if I’m being gaslighted or manipulated?
As gaslighting and manipulation are often subtle, especially initially, they’re not always easy to identify unless you know what to look out for. Here are some key indicators to help you determine if you, or someone you know, is a victim of this type of abuse:
- You frequently question your judgement, memory, or sanity, as you’re made to believe you’re often wrong or ‘crazy’.
- You feel like you’re always in the wrong or not good enough.
- Your self-esteem has significantly deteriorated since the relationship began.
- You may find yourself isolated from friends and family, as the manipulator makes you more dependent on them and less likely to receive an outside perspective.
- You hesitate to express your concerns or opinions, fearing that doing so will lead to conflict, ridicule, or punishment.
- You often find yourself apologising, even when you’ve done nothing wrong, to keep the peace or avoid conflict.
- Your emotions may fluctuate greatly, from happiness to sadness to anger, as you’re constantly manipulated and unsure of the situation.
- You feel stuck in the relationship, like you can’t leave or escape the manipulation, even if you want to.
Common Signs of Gaslighting and Manipulation
Certain behaviours are strongly associated with gaslighting and emotional abuse. These include:
- Denying things they clearly said or did, even when evidence exists
- Telling you that you are imagining events or remembering them incorrectly
- Minimising your feelings by calling you sensitive or dramatic
- Contradicting themselves to confuse you
- Shifting blame when confronted instead of taking responsibility
- Criticising your intelligence, judgement, or competence
- Withholding affection, support, or approval as a form of control
- Selectively recalling events in a way that benefits them
- Discouraging contact with friends or family
Over time, these behaviours can seriously damage confidence and emotional stability.
Our family solicitors can provide confidential legal support for those experiencing any type of domestic abuse, including gaslighting and manipulation. Contact us to speak to a member of our team.
